Whenever I go to the toilet and ask people if I can see their poo, I notice something...
most people donot know how to wipe their keaster proporly.
here is my tips so u can manage your post-pooping routine effectively and cleanerly.
1. DAB
You see, when you first drop the tonnage into the toilet there is often collateral poopage, or shitty shrapnel if you will.
If you go straight into back and forth vigourous wiping you might just be spreading it around, so instead start with gentle dabbing.
Think of it like caressing a beautiful dark complexioned woman.
2. Anus Wiping is a mArathon, not a sprInt!
Take your time for heaven's sake. Make sure to get all the remnants and you will have a lesser chance of skid-marking up your white robe!
3. Consider the Military Technique
In the intergalactic army, sometimes they have to make due with little TP rations, so if you're ever stuck with just a sheet or two you can poke your finger threw the wipe, scoop it out of your crack, then pull it off your finger to wipe off the choclately load.
4. Lift your bag
Not only is holding your marble sack fun on many levels, if you keep it out of the way whilst cack-cleaning you will save yourself a scrote-load of messy.
5. Pre-emtive Swipe
I've found that if I take some un-soiled toilet water and wipe it on my bunghole area before evacuating my bowels, it makes for a much cleaner surface to begin with.
Give some of these a try and tell me your results... if you have the balls!
I'm Keith Dumbuck(s).
Sunday, 4 August 2013
Saturday, 29 June 2013
The Fundamentals of Clear Writing
Clear writing implies that someone is actually going to read what you have to write. They probably don't.
Writing clearly makes u seem smart, and I lick to seem smart.
Some dumb dumbs think that txt lingo makes them seem smart, but it actually makes them seem gay.
Since clear writing is ur goal you've came to the right person you have.
Lesson 1: think before you write. I usually don't think much but when I want to write something I usually take off my underpants and put them on my head as a thinking cap.
Lesson 2: never confuse "could have" with "could of"... I'm an idiot and even I no that.
Lesson 3: read stuff like Fools iN Space. I usually don't read because books are boring and dum. But Fools iN Space is funny and easy to read, but it ha occasional big wordage added that learns me new stuff.
Lesson 4: song lyrics's are a good place to look for ideas on how to clearly write, since most musicians on the universe have to go through extensive linguistic training before they're allowed to become rock stars.
The end.
Writing clearly makes u seem smart, and I lick to seem smart.
Some dumb dumbs think that txt lingo makes them seem smart, but it actually makes them seem gay.
Since clear writing is ur goal you've came to the right person you have.
Lesson 1: think before you write. I usually don't think much but when I want to write something I usually take off my underpants and put them on my head as a thinking cap.
Lesson 2: never confuse "could have" with "could of"... I'm an idiot and even I no that.
Lesson 3: read stuff like Fools iN Space. I usually don't read because books are boring and dum. But Fools iN Space is funny and easy to read, but it ha occasional big wordage added that learns me new stuff.
Lesson 4: song lyrics's are a good place to look for ideas on how to clearly write, since most musicians on the universe have to go through extensive linguistic training before they're allowed to become rock stars.
The end.
Friday, 28 June 2013
How to become cultured (like me)
Herbert Read said: "culture is the infinitely slow but sure refinement and elaboration of simple thing"
He goes on earlier in the essay to suggest that a life without art is a brutish existence, but I know that artsy fartsy stuff makes you weak and feeble (and perhaps even gayish). The truth of the matter is that being "cultured" simply means you have the ability to talk down to people and sound like you know what you're talking about. So why would one want to appear like a pompous jerk? It's what I like to call the superiority complex... All life forms that have evolved to the point of being able to rationalize like their fellow beings to rationalize that they are smarter than them. You see? I know I don't.
This is another reason why you should try to avoid wetting yourself in public. Not many people look up to those whose crotch area is always uriney stained. To conclude, if being cultured is your goal, you are most likely an admiration whore. Instead learn to smarten yourself like me.
well I kinda think he himself is quite simple.
He goes on earlier in the essay to suggest that a life without art is a brutish existence, but I know that artsy fartsy stuff makes you weak and feeble (and perhaps even gayish). The truth of the matter is that being "cultured" simply means you have the ability to talk down to people and sound like you know what you're talking about. So why would one want to appear like a pompous jerk? It's what I like to call the superiority complex... All life forms that have evolved to the point of being able to rationalize like their fellow beings to rationalize that they are smarter than them. You see? I know I don't.
This is another reason why you should try to avoid wetting yourself in public. Not many people look up to those whose crotch area is always uriney stained. To conclude, if being cultured is your goal, you are most likely an admiration whore. Instead learn to smarten yourself like me.
I'm (the late) Keith Dumbuck, and I'm cultureded!
Thursday, 27 June 2013
I is what I is!
I'm sure we are on the eve of getting a bunch of youtube remixes of Paula Deen's amazingly stupid quote from the Today Show...
Supposedly the old bag has gone all Michael Richards and offended some black colored people. To be faire, suggesting her black servant dress up like a slave for a halloween party is kinda funny... If I were a black dude I'd do that EVERY halloweird, just to make fun of the people who enslaved me.
Back to the point, she said "I is what I is"... How can anyone take offense to something that comes out of the mouth of someone who is so blatantly stupid?
?Remember that Miss Carolina girl? She could call me a buck-toothed, small-penis mongoloid and I'd find it cute that she was able to string together a semi-coherent sentence... same thing here.
I'm Keith Dumbuck, and I'M smart!
Supposedly the old bag has gone all Michael Richards and offended some black colored people. To be faire, suggesting her black servant dress up like a slave for a halloween party is kinda funny... If I were a black dude I'd do that EVERY halloweird, just to make fun of the people who enslaved me.
Back to the point, she said "I is what I is"... How can anyone take offense to something that comes out of the mouth of someone who is so blatantly stupid?
?Remember that Miss Carolina girl? She could call me a buck-toothed, small-penis mongoloid and I'd find it cute that she was able to string together a semi-coherent sentence... same thing here.
I'm Keith Dumbuck, and I'M smart!
Friday, 21 June 2013
My First Masturbation Party
I was always taught by me dumb fat dad that wanking in public is to be frowned upon in polite society... but this is no longer the case it would seem.
You see my chums, there is now a fad that makes cuddle parties look a lot less crazy than they really are... MASTURBATION PARTIES.
Google it if you don't believe me. It's freakin' weird... a bunch of birds and blokes toss off on each other instead of the iN privacy of their dad's computer (once I figured out the parental passcode).
Now, had I known that was the arena that I was about to enter after me stupid "friend" Noid told me to go to this thing, I would have either declined straight away, or at least tried out one of those experimental pills that are supposed to make your wang bigger.
You can probably imagine my horror when I stepped into a room full of naked fat people who were messing about with their bits and pieces.
What a dilemma I t'was in... should I try to hide the look of horror on me face and run for it? Or join in and risk being mentally scarred for the rest of me little life?
It is moments like this that I was wishing for a meteor or cat-stroid to incinerate the planet so that I would be well-and-truly out of this pickle, but unfortunately there was no planetary destruction to be had on this occasion, so I had to do the only thing that any boy like me could...
I made a huge scene by pointing and laughing at all of the stoopid divs!
I'm Keith Dumbuck (still).
You see my chums, there is now a fad that makes cuddle parties look a lot less crazy than they really are... MASTURBATION PARTIES.
Google it if you don't believe me. It's freakin' weird... a bunch of birds and blokes toss off on each other instead of the iN privacy of their dad's computer (once I figured out the parental passcode).
Now, had I known that was the arena that I was about to enter after me stupid "friend" Noid told me to go to this thing, I would have either declined straight away, or at least tried out one of those experimental pills that are supposed to make your wang bigger.
You can probably imagine my horror when I stepped into a room full of naked fat people who were messing about with their bits and pieces.
What a dilemma I t'was in... should I try to hide the look of horror on me face and run for it? Or join in and risk being mentally scarred for the rest of me little life?
It is moments like this that I was wishing for a meteor or cat-stroid to incinerate the planet so that I would be well-and-truly out of this pickle, but unfortunately there was no planetary destruction to be had on this occasion, so I had to do the only thing that any boy like me could...
I made a huge scene by pointing and laughing at all of the stoopid divs!
I'm Keith Dumbuck (still).
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